Friends (gaining, maintaining, losing, and being happy in your solitude)

Hey! It's your big sister!

    No matter who you are, friends play such an essential role in our lives, especially when we're growing up. Humans are social creatures, so it would only make sense! But for some people, making friends, maintaining friendships or even losing friends may be hard to navigate no matter what time of life you're in. As your big sis, I'm here to help you figure it out, while also explaining my personal history when it comes to friendships. Hopefully this can give some insight as to what it means to have and be a friend, or at least if you're still figuring out HOW to make friends or navigate without friends, maybe my situations are a little relatable. You're never alone in these situations, because I promise so many people go through these things, even your big sister!

                                  

                                  me circa elementary/middle school😭

    I'll be honest, I've struggled with friendships on and off for most of my life and I'm not ashamed to say it, but one thing I will say is that a friendship should feel light and easy if it's the right person! I spent the early part of my life with not many friends (I have always somewhat kept to myself around new people and am naturally pretty shy, that paired with being bullied didn't help :P,) but I've also seen and experienced some beautiful, amazing and fun friendships throughout my life that I'm forever grateful for, even if the friendships aren't there anymore. I've had friends come and go quickly, friendships fizzle out over a few years, and friendships that are still going on 10+ years later, and that's all completely okay! Things happen, people change, and whoever's meant to stay will always be there, and whoever's meant to go, will leave when it's time!

But how do I make friends?

           

Okay so unfortunately I don't super have the #1 golden single answer to this, as most of my friendships have formed due to the other person interacting with ME instead of me interacting with them FIRST...BUT as a very avid people watcher and people analyzer (and my own personal attempts at making friends) I can at least give a few suggestions! 

    Like I said before, I'm naturally a very shy person (ty anxiety) so many of my friends are either friends of friends that eventually became my own friends, or people who have personally come up to me and "made the first move," but if you're not one to wait around for someone to knock on your door, be that person who makes the first move! If you spot someone you might want to be friends with, don't be afraid to go up to them and spark a conversation! Maybe they have a t-shirt on of your favorite anime, or maybe they've got a cool sticker on their water bottle from your favorite game, or maybe you just think they look cool/nice, go up and share a compliment! Putting yourself out there (as nerve racking as it can be sometimes) is a great way to try and make friends, and worst case scenario, the worst they can say is no :3!

    Another way (which I don't personally suggest for anyone under 18 just for safety purposes) is online friends! I personally had a few online friends growing up (granted, being online talking to random people as a young tween/teen DID have some repercussions, which is why I don't suggest it for anyone under adulthood) and they were great! Joining different discord servers that are related to your own personal interests and chatting with others is a great place to start, or openly chatting in lobby on your favorite video game (if theirs voice chat ofc :P) is also a great way to spark some conversation and find likeminded, chill people!

    What if my friendship is stressing me out,

or I'm losing a friend?

        Like I said before, a good friendship shouldn't cause you lots of stress. I've been in PLENTY of friendships over the years that have stressed me to my core, and if you're a people pleaser like me, it's hard to maintain a happy and healthy friendship when you're spending most of that time upset, stressed or anxious due to the other person in the friendship. It took me a long time to understand what Boundaries are, and how big of a role they play in any relationship you have with someone, whether it's a friend, family member or significant other. It's always great to help a friend out, be a shoulder to cry on, etc., but always remember you are never someone's therapist or caretaker. I've found myself stressing myself out to the point where my own mental health tanked, due to me constantly playing therapist for MULTIPLE friends of mine on a very regular basis, and it would leave me in tears by the end of it! Learning how to place down certain boundaries help protect you and your own wellbeing, as well as preventing you from being taken advantage of, even if the person doing it doesn't actually mean to! If your boundaries lead to you losing a friend, understand that a real true friend would understand and respect the boundary you place without letting the friendship fizzle out.

I've got a friend/friends,

how do I maintain the friendship?

    This is the best part! If you and your friend are truly invested in your friendship, maintaining the friendship wont feel like work at all! Understand though, especially as an adult, maintaining a friendship looks different during different stages in your life. I couldn't tell you how many close friends and even people I've considered best friends have exited my life due to no friendship maintenance! I believe as an adult, yes maintaining a friendship can be hard, but it's not impossible, and their has to be a certain level of "want" when it comes to seeing and hanging out with your friend. If you're calling or texting friends to make plans or just have a chat, and you're getting sent to voicemail or left on delivered/read constantly, as much as it may suck, you shouldn't be the only one obligated to reach out. In my personal experience, I've spent months in the past trying to reach out to friends (especially a friend i considered my best friend) by calling and texting, to no avail, and it would genuinely leave me in tears. For my own sake, I had to come to terms with the fact that if they wanted to hang, hear from me or see me, they would try, and I would no longer reach out myself anymore, and although that has now currently lead me to not seeing or hearing from these friends for months, it's helped at least get that weight of my shoulders of feeling "obligated" to be the one to reach out first, and move on from the situation and friendships. 

    A true friend, no matter how hectic life gets, no matter how busy school, work, family, life, anything may get, will always find time for you, even if it's a small lunch hangout, or a quick game online together, or even a 5-10 minute call to catch up and check in! Never let someone's absence or lack of trying make YOU feel like you're a bad friend, or someone who's not worthy of friendship, because I promise you deserve nothing but happy, peaceful and fun people in your life, no matter who you are.

   

Hey, if you're a creature of solitude and don't want friends, that's cool! Or maybe you just currently don't have friends, that's okay too! I've spent YEARS learning to be content on my own, and enjoy my own company, and honestly it's something I still try to work on to this day. Having no friends never means you're alone, because no matter what, you've always got your own company. Take the time to do something you enjoy! I personally have been spending my time getting back into my old interests and hobbies to help get used to or "cope" with my current lack of friends, like reading, writing (hi :3), watching anime, gaming, self care, art, etc.! I also try and make an effort to MAKE friends or spend time with the people I do have in my life currently, like my fiancé! For me, even just chitchatting with the girls at work every week is fulfilling and leaves me happy, and spending my weekends with my fiancé is always extremely fun and rewarding! On my downtime though when it's just me, I try and do things I know will make me happy, even if it's something small, like watching Slushy Noobz on Youtube (which is a great example of a friendship btw, check them out), or playing TFT and placing bottom 4 every game 😓! 

    I hope this helped someone out there looking for advice on friends! I feel a little silly writing something so in depth about friendship considering my slight lack of experience compared to the average person, but if it's at least somewhat helpful or even relatable to anyone out there, that's an A+ in my book! As for my past and current friendships, I'm grateful for all of them, regardless of where they stand currently. After spending a large chunk of my life with little/no friends, finally having that experience has been amazing, and every interaction, hangout, sleepover, midnight run to Taco Bell
or wawa, and every phone call and text, really does mean a lot to me, and I will forever cherish it. Here's to new friendships in the future!

and if you're reading this and feel like you've got no friends, you've always got your big sister. <3

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